The Recipe For Happy Marriage
Has the stress of life or the current economic situation made your marriage more difficult? Are you looking for ways to better handle the stress and improve your communication? Here are a few tips on how you can handle stress more effectively and some other resources to strengthen you marriage.
When handling stress in your marriage here are few things to remember:
1. Pick the best time to talk about issues. Often times discussions that need to happen don't have to be as violent if you can pick an opportune time. Wait until after dinner, the kids have gone to bed, etc. to have these conversations.
2. Reaffirm your love and commitment to each other. If things are hard right now continue to remind each other that you are going to make it through, that you are going to be there for each other, and that you really do love each other.
3. Take the long term view of your marriage. Often times when we are stressed we will say things that we will later regret and will damage our marriage. Remember the goal is to be married 20 years from now so choose your words and responses very carefully.
4. Remind yourself that handling hardships together will build intimacy. There is nothing like moving through hardships together to build friendship and intimacy.
Now one of these things has a legitimate place in communication when a marriage is in trouble and heading for divorce and the other one just speeds it along and accomplishes nothing and breaks down the communication channel into arguments, shouting matches and the never ending blame game that mires you in revenge and anger that is hard to crawl out of. I think you see which one I am referring to ...
As has been mentioned why people do this is because there ARE problems in a relationship that need to be addressed, you cannot close your eyes and mind to he fact that you may have made mistakes when someone calls you out on it but you can direct where you go from there wisely. This is made difficult of course when the tone and intent of this accusation is barbed and poisonous and meant to hurt but you must make a decision at this point. Do you want to save your marriage? Or do you want to spiral down the road to divorce?
If you want to work through the problems and not be divorced then there is a simple formula you can follow when the blame game gets started that will calm the situation down, allow grievances to be brought up and allow you in the end not to feel like you have 'lost' your honor or self respect.
1. Accept the blame
Now this may make you angry, this may make your blood boil when you are accused of something perhaps that was not your fault or that was very minor and is being blown into huge proportions. The problem is refuting that claim simply brings the anger level up and the ability to discuss things rationally so the first thing you HAVE to do is diffuse the situation. Simply accept the criticism even if you do not believe it, nod and listen and endure because if you love this person and want to salvage a marriage you need to hear them out in full so swallow your pride and know this is not the end but endure it for the sake of your marriage.
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2. Listen to the problem behind the complaint
Blame and accusations do not come from nowhere and even if they are overplayed or even just plain wrong your job should not be to throw that back at them but listen to the real message behind it. You must try to empathize with your spouse and try to see things from their point of view even if you do not agree. This is because a complaint about spending too much money might not be actually about the money spent but might be about making decisions together maybe. Or an argument about perceived flirting with other people might more be about their insecurity and their feelings that they are fading in your interests even if they do trust you. It can be complex and people often do not say what they really mean when they are aiming to hurt so your listening skills and empathy skills must be turned up to the max.
3. DO not retaliate!
By this stage you may have a better understanding of the issues and if you can keep control of your own tongue you may almost get to a breakthrough. Do not use any insight and knowledge to launch another attack back at them because that destroys everything you have just learned. Hold you tongue, even agree with them if there is 'some' truth to the accusation but do not act defeated or cowed because you need to now be the strong one and propose a solution not cave in or retaliate.
A surprise visit to your spouse can really ignite some fun and energy back into your relationship. Why not drop by your spouse's work and give them a quick hug and kiss? More often than not, the romance rewards will be large.
One tip to get the romance back is to compliment your spouse. Let them know how hot they look and that you cannot keep your eyes off of them. Make them feel good about themselves and they intern will want to do something exciting for you.
What can really be romantic is to hold your partners hand and let them know that if you had to do it all over again that you would choose them. Tell them that you are a better person because of them. This will make your partners heart dance and can really flame the romance and passion.
Don't be afraid to look back or revisit some great romantic memories you have had from the past. It can be fun to revisit the great feelings from the past. Dig out the vacation pictures and the wedding album. These tips can reconnect you to the love that you felt in the past which will encourage you to get some romance back.
Focus for a day on what you really admire in your spouse. This admiration will jump start your feelings that day for your spouse and it will also ignite there romantic flame. It is human nature to be more romantic and connected to your spouse when they show you their admiration towards you.
Listen with love and empathy without trying to fix their problems. Your partner wants to talk to you to connect and share but they don't want you to necessarily jump and fix their problems. It is romantic to just listen and be supportive and allow your partner to solve there own problems.
Touch is very romantic. Play footsie with your spouse, hold hands with them under the table, rub shoulders the next time you sit with them, sit on your partners lap and give them a kiss on the neck or cheek without pushing for more.
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